Why did the chicken cross the road?

• Adams, Douglas
  Forty-two.
  
  
• Aristotle
  To actualize its potential.
  
  
• Baldrick
  It had a cunning plan.
  
  
• Barr, Roseanne
  Urrrrrp. What chicken?
  
  
• Buddha
  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
  
  
• Bush, George
  To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
  
  
• Caesar, Julius
  To come, to see, to conquer.
  
  
• Candide
  To cultivate its garden.
  
  
• Cat, Bill the
  Oop Ack.
  
  
• Conrad, Joseph
  Mistah Chicken, he dead.
  
  
• Constantine, John
  Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd better get out right quick.
  
  
• Cosell, Howard
  It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
  
  
• Crowley, Aleister
  Because it was its True Will to do so.
  
  
• Dali, Salvador
  The Fish.
  
  
• Darwin
  It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
  
  
• Dequincy, Thomas
  Because it ran out of opium.
  
  
• Derrida, Jacques
  Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is dead, dammit, dead!
  
  
• Descartes, Rene
  It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
  
  
• Dickinson, Emily
  Because it could not stop for death.
  
  
• Dylan, Bob
  How many roads must one chicken cross?
  
  
• Einstein, Albert
  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
  
  
• Eliot, T.S.
  Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.
  Do I dare to cross the road?
  It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.
  
  
• Emerson, Ralph Waldo
  It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
  
  
• Epicurus
  For fun.
  
  
• Erdos, Paul
  It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.
  
  
• Fawlty, Basil
  Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.
  
  
• Ford, Gerald R.
  It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.
  
  
• Freud, Sigmund
  The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.
  
  
• Frost, Robert
  To cross the road less traveled by.
  
  
• Gabor, Zsa Zsa
  It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
  
  
• Gandalf
  O chicken, do not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are tasty and good with barbecue sauce.
  
  
• Gilligan
  The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost!
  
  
• Goethe, Johann Friedrich von
  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
  
  
• Gygax, Gary
  Because I rolled a 64 on the "Chicken Random Behaviors" chart on page 497 of the Dungeon Master's Guide.
  
  
• Hamlet
  Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles...
  
  
• Heisenberg, Werner
  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
  
  
• Hemingway, Ernest
  To die. In the rain.
  
  
• Hippocrates
  Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
  
  
• Hitler, Adolf
  It needed Lebensraum.
  
  
• Hofstadter, Doug
  To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.
  
  
• Hume, David
  Out of custom and habit.
  
  
• Hussein, Saddam
  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
  
  
• Iacocca, Lee
  It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.
  
  
• Jones, John Paul
  It has not yet begun to cross!
  
  
• Jung, Carl
  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
  
  
• King, Martin Luther
  It had a dream.
  
  
• Kirk, James Tiberius
  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
  
  
• Laurel, Stan
  I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.
  
  
• Leary, Timothy
  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
  
  
• Leda
  Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know.
  
  
• Leibniz, Gottfried Von
  In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.
  
  
• Lovecraft, H.P.
  To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!
  
  
• Machiavelli
  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
  
  
• Marx, Groucho
  Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
  
  
• Marx, Karl
  To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
  It was a historical inevitability.
  
  
• Mendel, Gregor
  To get various strains of roads.
  
  
• Milton, John
  To justify the ways of God to men.
  
  
• Moses
  Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.
  
  
• Neumann, Alfred E.
  What? Me worry?
  
  
• Newton, Sir Isaac
  Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
  
  
• Nicholson, Jack
  'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
  
  
• Nietzsche
  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
  
  
• North, Oliver
  National Security was at stake.
  
  
• Paine, Thomas
  Out of common sense.
  
  
• Palin, Michael
  Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!
  
  
• Parker, Dorothy
  Travel, trouble, music, art
  A kiss, a frock, a rhyme
  The chicken never said they fed its heart
  But still they pass its time.
  
  
• Pauli, Wolfgang
  There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.
  
  
• Picard, Jean-Luc
  To see what's out there.
  
  
• Plato
  For the greater good.
  
  
• Princess Bride: Fezzik
  Because if it did not it would be like a toad!
  
  
• Princess Bride: Inigo
  Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You crossed my father's road. Prepare to die.
  
  
• Princess Bride: Wesley
  It's terribly fashionable, I think everyone will be doing it in the future.
  
  
• Pyrrho the Skeptic
  What road?
  
  
• Reagan, Ronald
  I forget.
  
  
• Reznor, Trent
  Because the world is FUCKED UP and it HATES ITSELF for being such a PITIFUL WHINY USELESS SHIT!
  
  
• Riemann, Georg Friedrich
  The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.
  
  
• Sappho
  For the touch of your skin, the sweetness of your lips...
  
  
• Sartre, Jean-Paul
  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
  
  
• Scott, Mr.
  'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!
  
  
• Shakespeare, William
  I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
  
  
• Sisyphus
  Was it pushing a rock, too?
  
  
• Skinner, B.F.
  Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
  
  
• Socrates
  To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
  
  
• Sphinx, The
  You tell me.
  
  
• Sununu, John
  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
  
  
• T, Mr.
  If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
  
  
• Templeton, Brad
  Do you think I have time to answer questions like that? I'm not a riddle-answering service. Anyway, I've heard it before. (Moderator of Rec.humor.funny)
  
  
• Thatcher, Margaret
  There was no alternative.
  
  
• Thomas, Dylan
  To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.
  
  
• Thoreau, Henry David
  To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
  
  
• Tolkein, J.R.R.
  The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which countless tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it.
  
  
• Torquemada, Thomas de
  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
  
  
• Twain, Mark
  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
  
  
• Vader, Darth
  Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
  
  
• Washington, George
  Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.
  
  
• West, Mae
  I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
  
  
• Whitman, Walt
  To cluck the song of itself.
  
  
• Wilson, Robert Anton
  Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take over the world's egg production.
  
  
• Wittgenstein, Ludwig
  The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
  
  
• Wordsworth, William
  To have something to recollect in tranquility.
  
  
• X, Malcolm
  Because it would get across that road by any means necessary.
  
  
• Yard, Molly
  It was a hen!
  
  
• Youngman, Henny
  Take this chicken ... please.
  
  
• Zeno of Elea
  To prove it could never reach the other side.